1.别骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”,因为从遗传学的角度来讲,这对家长是不利的。
2.恭喜你!你获得本公司头奖20万元。请带上防弹衣面罩到平价收银台凭密码领取奖金。密码是“把钱拿出来”!
3.爱情与玉米粥相比,哪个好?好像该是爱情好,其实不然:毕竟没有东西比爱情好,而一碗玉米粥总比没有东西好,所以,玉米粥比爱情好!
4.初恋:心里眼中只有她。热恋:妈妈叫我向东,爱人叫我向西;向西。失恋:爱人结婚了,新郎不是我。
5.护士:你要写给谁阿?病人:写给我自己啊!护士:那你都写些什么阿?病人:你神精病阿!!我还没收到怎么知道?
6.接卫生部紧急通知:最近因口蹄疫广泛流行,请您务必注意四肢清洁,以免受到感染!
7.工资全部上交,包括计划外的;剩饭全部承包,包括馊了的;家务活全干,包括岳母家的;思想天天汇报,包括一闪念的。
8.我爱的人名花有主,爱我的人惨不忍睹,不是在放荡中变坏,就是在沉默中变态。——献给情人节!
9.老鹰追杀兔子,却因为兔子一句话而掉下摔死了。知道兔子说什么吗?它大叫:你没戴胸罩!老鹰一听慌忙捂胸,结果…
10.人生四大理想:1、给长城贴上瓷砖。2、给赤道镶上金边。3、给太平洋安上栏杆。4、给珠穆朗玛峰装上电梯
11.人生四小理想:1、给苍蝇戴上手套。2、给蚊子戴上口罩。3、给老鼠戴上镣铐。4、教育得蟑螂戴上安全套。
12.猪的四大理想:四周栏杆都烂掉,天上纷纷下饲料,世上屠夫都死掉,全国人民信回教。
13.男人的四大理想:天上纷纷掉钞票,天下美男都死掉,美女脑子都坏掉,哭着喊着让我泡。
14.女人的四大理想:男人头壳都坏掉,每天给我送钞票。还要排队任我挑,自己一直不会老!
JOKE 1
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily.
JOKE 2
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don 't know son. I'm still paying!!
JOKE 3
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home...
He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you.
JOKE 4
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl!!!
JOKE 5
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn."
JOKE 6
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "inlaws ".