出国留学网

目录

留学申请文书写作常见错误及分析(1)

字典 |

2012-05-19 22:14

|

推荐访问

编辑文章

【 liuxue86.com - 留学申请材料 】

编者按:作为出国之路网站的管理者,我有机会阅读每一篇由受过哈佛教育的专业编辑和出国之路聘请的专业编辑修改过的留学申请文章。在感觉受益...

作为出国之路网站的管理者,我有机会阅读每一篇由受过哈佛教育的专业编辑和出国之路聘请的专业编辑修改过的留学申请文章。在感觉受益匪浅的同时,也对中国申请者的英文写作水平将会对美国大学评审委员会造成的困扰和误解深感担忧。

我们的文书编辑客户包括清华、同济、东南和天大等院校的高材生,也有相当一部分是已经走上工作岗位的社会精英,不少在外企担任重要职务,他们接受了多年正统的英语教育,写出的文章按理说应该是非常具有说服力的,至少应该没有修辞、语法和写作方面的错误了。答案是:否!本篇文章和以后的续篇中的例子都是从客户的文章中摘取的句子,当你阅读了以后,也会和我有同样的感想。

值得庆幸的是,许多申请者已经意识到了这方面的缺憾,因此求助于各种编辑服务,使自己的申请文章力争达到尽善尽美,脱颖而出。

(1)

原句:In the school, Miss Li always been an inspiring source of help and support for me and others throughout the years.

编辑分析: “always been” Incorrect tense or missing word. “throughout the years” Flows better at the beginning of the sentence. “me and others” Reads awkwardly.

改正后:Throughout the years, Miss Li has always provided an invaluable source of assistance and support to many, including myself.

(2)

原句: Miss Li is not only a mechanical teacher but also in charge of computer lab.

编辑分析: “is not only” Limit the use of the weak ‘to be’ verbs. “mechanical teacher” Can this more specific? “in charge of” Directs.

改正后:Miss Li not only teaches mechanics, but also directs the computer lab.

(3)

原句:Although her work is numerous, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. But, with her creative mind, she was never content with merely doing her job, either.

编辑分析:“is numerous” Awkward. “But, with her…” Awkward transition. ‘But’ does not work well at the beginning of the sentence here.

改正后:In spite of an immense workload, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. Moreover, driven by her creative mind, she never settled with merely completion of her job.

(4)

原句:Once the problems came in, she thought them from unique angles and put forward many good ideas to solve them.

编辑分析:“put forward” Better word…presented…suggested…

改正后:Once aware of the problems, she attacked them from unique angles and presented many practical and novel solutions.

(5)

原句:Facing the conflict between the shorthand of the school and TOEFL, she chose to instruct her students to finish the courses of Mechanical CAD.

编辑分析:“Facing the conflict…” This sentence is somewhat unclear, especially upon the first reading. I have attempted to clarify the situation.

改正后:Facing a conflict between the need to take on extra responsibilities to alleviate a shortage of teachers at the school and preparing for the TOEFL, she chose to instruct students in courses of Mechanical CAD.

(6)

原句: It is evident that burden of work effected her preparation for TOEFL, because she got GRE 2100 under less pressure from work.

编辑分析: “It is evident” I have rephrased for clarity and improved flow. “effected” affected.

改正后:That burden of increased work negatively affected her preparation for TOEFL, as demonstrated by her significantly better score on the GRE when she faced less pressure from work.

(7)

原句:When she decided to leave us, although I, as director of this school, hate to let her go, I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.

编辑分析: “I, as director…” I is unnecessary and confuses the sentence.

改正后:When she decided to leave us, though as director of this school I hate to see her go, I offered my full support. I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.

(8)

原句:I dearly hope that you will consider his application favorably.

编辑分析: “dearly hope” sincerely. “consider his application” her application. You have referred to the recommended teacher as ‘she’ and ‘miss’ throughout.

改正后:I sincerely hope that you will consider her application favorably and am confident you will be enlightened by her talents at your school.

总体评论:

千疮百孔的英文,语法错误、用词不当、句子结构不恰当,都可以分散阅读者的注意力,给阅读者造成误解,无法看懂你究竟要说什么。要知道评审委员要阅读上百份申请材料,你的错误可能使他(她)丧失对你的兴趣和信心。

在申请文书写作中应当注意:

使用正确的英语写作

要坚持使用明确、直接和具体的表达方式

删除不必要的词汇和语句

坚持使用主动语态

避免柔和、无色彩、犹豫和不果断的语言。

语法错误经过反复的阅读是可以更正的,但是用词不当和句子结构不恰当的毛病改正起来则比较困难,对于英语不是母语的人士来说,需要长期艰苦的磨练。在以后的篇章里,将继续分析片语使用、选词、句子结构和篇章开头结尾方面的错误。

  想了解更多留学申请材料网的资讯,请访问: 留学申请材料

本文来源:https://www.liuxue86.com/a/459453.html
延伸阅读
每个学校在申请的材料可能都是有些许不同的,所以出国留学网就把耶什华大学所需要的申请材料给大家总结出来了,都来阅读一下吧。一、耶什华大学研究生申请材料个人简历个人陈述成绩单推荐信GR
2020-07-21
英国商科的申请,还是会有门槛的,其中文书部分就是一个很重要的地方,就来出国留学网看看,要读英国的商科,文书会有怎样的作用吧。一、文书的重要性在申请的文书上,商学院跟别的专业是不同的
2020-07-21
新西兰的顶尖大学在世界上有很多所,但是想要申请读本科的话是有一定的难度的,可以先读一年的预科,那么新西兰预科申请材料有哪些呢,出国留学网有详细的介绍!一、新西兰预科申请步骤一:选择
2020-07-20
比利时的蒙斯大学今年的排名也依旧保持了前五十名之中,那么它的课程要用是什么材料申请?到出国留学网去看看吧。一、蒙斯大学申请材料1、高中成绩单:中英文对照(学校盖章)。2、本科成绩单
2020-07-17
学生们在准备加拿大的就读时,文书材料的准备都是很重要的一个内容,甚至能决定自己的申请是否成功。那么这个申请文书该怎么写比较好?来出国留学网看看这些文书的写作技巧吧。1、个人简历无论
2020-07-16
同学们在选择申请加拿大留学的时候,申请材料文书写作是一项非常重要的内容。那么加拿大留学文书写作技巧有哪些呢?接下来出国留学网小编给大家一一介绍。一、个人简历(CV)无论出国留学是申
2020-06-22
申请英国的各大院校,除了要准备硬件材料,还要整理文书材料,怎样才能对申请带来帮助呢?跟着出国留学网看看2021年英国留学申请材料书写指南怎样准备英国留学文书写作?一、陈述全称Per
2020-06-10
在英国的留学过程中,文书是很重要的一个环节,可以帮助学生申请学校或者进行找工作。那么文书写作有哪些需要注意的事项呢?出国留学网小编总结了一下,希望可以帮助到大家。1.专业性学生应该
2019-10-30
在准备留学申请材料的时候,文书是不能够忽视的一部分,虽然需要准备的文书种类多样,但是书写的原则是一致的。接下来跟着出国留学网看看新西兰留学文书书写指南如何准备一封优秀的文书?一、突
2018-12-06
留学文书是申请美国留学重要的软件材料,他们会直接影响你的留学申请成功率,所以留学生们一定要慎重对待,出国留学网的小编为大家带来了美国留学文书书写攻略如何写好一份完美的留学文书?一、
2018-07-23